An Interview with the Undersecretary

Q: What are the legal ramifications of U.S. Government personnel being involved in torture?

A: I think you have to qualify "torture." Or better, quantify "torture." How many genitals? How many anal penetrations? What were the decibel levels of the screams? How fast was the train traveling when we saw the sunset over the secret detention center?

Q: Can you tell us how long, exactly, U.S. forces will be in Iraq?

A: How long is anyone in Iraq? How long were the Persians in Iraq? The Brits? How long have the Sufis been in Iraq? Why do they do that weird dancing thing? Are they still doing it in Baghdad? In the Anbar Province? If so, how do we stop them? As long as there are Iraqis in Iraq, I think we have to ask ourselves some hard questions about staying the course, fighting the fight, and basting the chicken.

Q: How many American troops will make up the residual force and what will be their specific mission?

A: Have you noticed the layer of dust on this window sill? Why doesn't anyone clean this place? Don't worry about the residual force. The residual force will consist of four American troops: John, Paul, George and Ringo. Their mission will entail various security functions, training Iraqis in food handling, defusing that cute little redhead in CENTCOM, recording two new albums and, God willing and the creek don't spin, cleaning this damn room.

Q: What about Afghanistan? How many American troops will be stationed there and for what length of time?

A: As long as it takes to gut the pig, root out the poets, pickle the pretties, and negotiate poppy production and heroin distribution between the locals and Citigroup.

Q: How would you characterize our relationship with Pakistan at the moment?

A: It's not good. We sent roses and a box of chocolates, but she still hung up on us. Christ, anybody can drink too much and get a little out of control. Just because I shoot up a wedding party doesn't mean she's got the right to change the lock on the damn door, you know what I mean? It's not like those Pak kids could speak English anyhow. But we'll work something out. She like-y the money. And we've got syndication rights for Seinfeld to sweeten the pot.

Q: Does Iran have the capability to produce nuclear weapons? If so, what position will the administration take?

A: Whatever position makes us last longer and brings her more pleasure. Here, smell this. Does this smell like turpentine to you? I thought it was cologne, but I may have grabbed the wrong bottle. Something's not right.

Q: China is the largest overseas holder of U.S. Treasury bonds and has bought over $1 trillion dollars in American debt. How does this affect our country's policies towards China? Will the administration be able to pursue a human rights agenda for Tibet, for example?

A: Have you ever tried paddle-roasted barbecued baby pig? That's really something. But you've got it all bass-ackwards. We're the stray dogs to China's porcelain poodle. Whose piss do you think is gonna be harder to get out of the rug? Our output in needles alone could fill Beijing ten times over. And, don't forget, we have the Boy Scouts. Mr. Bubble. Bobble-heads. The administration will continue to bail out AIG and Citigroup, and I think those CEOs could teach China a thing or two, don't you? No matter how much we screw up and destroy our economy, no matter how bad our test scores, or how low our spinach quotient, Uncle Bam's gonna bail us out. You see where I'm going with this? Now I'm all juicy and craving that paddle-roasted pig.

Q: Can you talk about Palestine and Israel and the administration's road map in the Middle East?

A: It's all pretty high tech and, to be honest, a little above my pay grade. But we've got this super-duper Middle Eastern GPS system we're going to implement. Produced by an Israeli company that started with seed money from us back when we thought we had money. It can pinpoint a baby in Gaza from outer space and resolve the situation remotely if necessary. And then there's our major infrastructure stimulus package. We think a two-state solution is the most feasible option, but it's going to requite some heavy lifting. Building a new Palestinian state under the sand, or - the Atlantis scenario - moving them to the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea, ain't gonna be cheap. No sir. But think of all the new green jobs. Green money. Green cars. Green hair and lashes. Lots of exciting green technology to eliminate those babies. I shouldn't say "eliminate." Relocate those babies under the sand.

Q: The U.S. Joint Forces Command recently reported that Mexico and Pakistan were at risk of "rapid and sudden collapse." What is the United States doing about the escalating drug violence in Mexico and the security threat it poses on our very own doorstep?

A: We will be negotiating between the locals and Citigroup over production and distribution. Consumption levels are still good, despite our collapsing economy. But as long as there are Mexicans in Mexico, I think we have to ask ourselves some hard questions about staying the course, fighting the fight, and basting the pocho. We didn't invent the border, the border invented us. Maybe we can get some Mexicans to clean this damn room. I do like me a mole poblano, though. Look, I'm due at Langley for a debriefing and the office potluck, and I have to change out of these clothes first. Without splitting hairs or tweaking the turkey, let me just say that you worry too much.

Have some of these pills. We got plenty more where those came from.


[(thought dream 030409)]

David Kersh on Gaza

My friend David Kersh sent me an email on Gaza. David is one of the most thoughtful, intelligent and cultured (in the absolute best sense of the word) people I know. I was moved by what he wrote and asked if I could post it here.

On Gaza

I am an American Jew. My life began on 6/6/1967 at exactly the same time the six-day war began, which in many ways sparked the present conflict. At one point in my life, I spent six months (lots of 6’s here) in Jerusalem, where I felt utterly homeless, wondering where the Jews like me were. I did find a couple of them- my two Argentine roommates. One of the most awe-inspiring and refreshing memories of an intense 6 months in the holy land was discovering The Marx Brothers' Night at the Opera one late Friday night at the Jerusalem Cinemateque while everything else in sight was closed down for Shabbat.


The situation in the Middle East is not so cut and dry. I am tired of being silent.


I read article after article and get the talking points made by each side, and I can somewhat modify my perspective in the course of a day. And yet I just can’t accept that macho man (and woman) Israeli military force is a solution to the “problem.”


I look at the troubling photographs of dead Palestinian children, I see the poverty-stricken Gaza streets, and I am also troubled that, yes, these same photographs become part of a Hamas PR machine to get the West to side with them.


I am sickened by the one-sided perspective of the American political class who can only sympathize with Israel and only gets their side of the story.


I am sickened by the contextually false and empty comparisons of bombs coming from Canada and Mexico and how we would surely and without a blink respond to this by crushing them with all our might.


I am bothered by Israel the Victim.


I am bothered by progressive Jews who would otherwise deplore violence in all other situations but who can so easily rationalize the Israeli aggression.


I know former Primer Minister Menachem Begin was part of a terrorist organization, but that was okay, of course, because it was a Jewish terrorist organization.


I get it that Palestinians were treated like shit by the Egyptians and the Jordanians before 1967, and that the Arab world treats them like unwanted step children, and that supporting the Palestinian cause serves their purpose of having a common enemy of Israel so they can keep their repressive regimes in tact.


I get the role of Iran in this geopolitical equation, and don’t want Iran to get any stronger.


I get it that the Palestinians would be better off if they had a Gandhi running their show, and that they have been unable to get their act together.


I read somewhere that Hamas was created by the US and Israel to counter Arafat and Fatah, which does not surprise me one bit.


I am sure that Israel was not negotiating in good faith, and that the Palestinians were not negotiating in good faith either.


I get it that Hamas probably wants more Palestinians to die because it benefits their campaign, and that they are all a bunch of no good thugs and killers.


I am bothered that, according to the American political class, Israeli children are “traumatized” by having to endure unexpected home-made rockets from Hamas, but Palestinian children living under occupation, seige or blockade are not traumatized living in such dire circumstances.


I believe each side has a different starting point for the conflict and of who started what and where.


I am bothered by a lack of nuance, of depth in understanding the complexity of the situation by the American political class (except for good ole Kucinich).


I believe the line between defense and offense is fuzzy.


I can find nothing to love or look up to in any of the repressive Arab political systems in the Middle East .


I sometimes comprehend the desire my fellow Jews have for a Jewish homeland, though never at the expense of another group, and never as a place for me to call home.


I know I am probably naïve, and my fellow Jews in Israel will think I don’t know what the hell I am talking about because I am not there, on the ground. And yet, I just can’t accept that macho man (and woman) Israeli military force is a solution to the “problem.”