Saturday, February 16, 2008

The ZONE Primary

Forget Wisconsin and all that talk about Texas and Ohio. The only Primary that matters is the ZONE Primary. Vote NOW. (Look over on the right.)


Tom Waits (Rain Dog Party)

Has consistently done well with returning vets and Salvation Army Band girls.

Tom discusses his economic policy
with some . . . emus?

Thelonious Monk (Epistrophy Party)

Has garnered early support from younger voters, older voters, minimalists, and hep cats.

What is Epistrophy? Monk lays out his platform.

Yma Súmac (Inca Princess Party)

Has a devoted base that consists of fans of obscure music, lovers of kitsch, and young men who haven't realized yet that they're homosexual. Can she attract soccer moms?

In this town hall meeting, Yma shows her ability to communicate with both the educated upper class and poor indigenous people with funny hats.

Harpo Marx (Harpo Party)

Does surprisingly well with women. Also has strong support among older New York Jews nostalgic for their childhood. Completely dominates the amateur harpist vote.

Harpo speaks! Surprising views on gun control.

T.S. Eliot (J. Alfred Prufrock Party)

A sexy, charismatic "rock star" who delivers impassioned speeches that critics claim are vague and filled with fluff. It's still unclear how voters will respond to his friendship with an American-born Fascist who made treasonous radio broadcasts against the United States during World War II.

Eliot delivers one of his fiery stump speeches.
(Warning: Do not watch this while drunk or on drugs. Something's not quite right.)

UPDATE: Results of the ZONE Primary . . .

A higher turnout than expected, with 17 votes cast. This was due mainly to superior organizing on the part of the Tom Waits campaign, specifically a link from a Tom Waits blog.

One crucial advantage Waits had over the other 4 challengers: he was the only living candidate. Though I'd argue that a dead Yma Sumac still would've done less damage to the planet than a living George W. Bush.

Tom Waits for President. Doesn't sound bad at all.

Tom Waits: 7 (41%)
Harpo Marx: 4 (23%)
Thelonious Monk: 3 (17%)
Yma Sumac: 2 (11%)
T.S. Eliot: 1 (5%)


Liam said...

I was torn, especially with Tom in the race, but in the end I realized that Harpo truly was the candidate of change.

The Yma Sumac clip was very odd.

I think the TS Eliot video was a Terry Gilliam animation.

Jeff said...

Before listening, I thought it would have to be Waits, and after hearing Monk, I thought it would have to be him, but then I saw Harpo on the list.

How in the world does one become acquainted with the likes of Yma Sumac? How did you ever hear of her? Is she the Yoko Ono of the Andes?

cowboyangel said...


I'm sure Harpo would be a candidate of change. But there have been some concerns about him having his finger on the nuclear button.

I think the Eliot campaign ad is too subtle for Gilliam. Perhaps a Gilliam-inspired understudy.


One simply has to know about Yma. A kind of musical enlightenment that one doesn't "think" about.

And no, unlike Yoko, Yma could actually sing. Even if her choice of material was . . . sometimes unusual.

crystal said...

I vote for T.S. Eliot on the basis of that photo ..... he looks deranged :-)

cowboyangel said...


I supposed one must be a bit deranged to want to run for president. But how to sort out the most deranged among Eliot, Harpo and Tom Waits? And Monk. Monk did go crazy at the end of his life.

Actually, I get the feeling that Waits is actually quite normal but has developed a deranged public persona, so he might not be the guy to run for President.

pb wiener said...

What a great idea for a blog election feature! It deserves to be continued, and to be reproduced on (linked from ) other blogs and web sites. Has anyone else done it? It has almost limitless possibilities.

cowboyangel said...

Thanks, Paul. Maybe I'll do another round later. But, more importantly, who did you vote for?

IEC 104.01 said...

Hey,Liam--I was torn between Tom and Waits as well, but Harpo won for me as well. How can you not love the cigarette ash in the trumpet and the gun-toting, girl chasing antics?